Sometimes When I Don't Sleep For Days,
I Start To Hallucinate Elephants And William H. Macy

Ok. Well, yeah, I've been missing in action, but really, there was no need for you to seek solace in drugs or alcohol or barnyard animal sex. Oh yes, folks, that's right; I know what you've been doing. Just because you can't see me doesn't mean I can't see you. Everyday my super hero powers get a little bit stronger. It helps that I'm wearing my Wonder Woman underwear. And haven't taken them off since March. Yeah.
Anyway. Listen, I can explain my absence, really I can. It's like this. I'm pretty sure I was taken hostage by Mai Mai rebels in the Congo. Again. I mean, it's definitely either that or I recently became Mrs. William H. Macy and have been in North Dakota on my honeymoon. Or I was incarcerated for taking obscene photos of my mailman. Or I was incarcerated for drugging and tying up my mailman so I could take the aforementioned photographs. Or maybe I just decided to devote my life to ice skating and spent the last 14 days trying out for The Special Olympics Disney On Ice. Is it so hard for you people to believe that I might have been recording an album of romantic duets and Air Supply covers with Ice Cube? Ice Cube frowns on blogging, you know. I suggested he start a blog, but when I told him guns weren't involved he asked if we could just get back to singing "Making Love Out of Nothing At All". So we did.

Hey. Did I mention I have nothing to say? Because I don't. Clearly.


Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind, Part Deux,
In Which Skipper Is A Strong Swimmer,
And Steve Speaks To Me From The Afterlife
While Dressed Not As A Dog, But As A Bear


1. I used to try to drown Skipper. You know Skipper, Barbie's flat-chested sister? Or was it her friend? Lesbian lover? CIA Handler? Truth be told, I was never really clear on Skipper's relationship to Barbie, I just knew I hated her, and when cutting off all her hair and telling her she was adopted after her real family left her in a dumpster to die didn't put her in her place, drowning just seemed like the next logical step. It never worked though. Probably because she was never really alive to begin with, but who can say for sure other than Skipper herself and she moved to Vietnam with my next door neighbors when I was 10, so she can't really come to the phone right now. Or so her new owners keep telling me when I call them collect to see if Skipper has forgiven me for all those botched attempts on her life.


2. I'm strangely attracted to Steve from Blue's Clues. Well it's not like I watch Blue's Clues on a regular basis or tape it when I am going to miss an episode or bought all the DVD's and lock myself in my room at night so I can pleasure myself while watching Steve talk to an animated salt shaker. I've just seen it a few times while babysitting my nephews (babysitting to me equals "Auntie is going to let you watch TV! All night! While Auntie runs out to the liquor store!" Except for that part about the liquor store. Maybe.) and I was intrigued by, well, by his shirt, mostly. When I finally decided to come clean about my feelings for Steve to a friend who has a child of her own (and thus knows things about Nickelodeon and animated dogs and baby puke), she told me Steve was DEAD. Dead or in college, she said. His age? According to her he is "50. Or 25." Anything else I should know about Steve? "He writes music now. And he maybe ditched the green shirt for a bear costume and some Lips". Well if that doesn't describe my dream man, I don't know what does.


3. I like to wear swim goggles in the bathtub and pretend I'm deep sea diving.


This was almost fun and all, but now I have to go write out my wedding gift thank you cards (oh, you didn't send a gift? Nice, real nice. I'll remember that. And so will William H. And also, William H. says to tell you that people GO TO HELL for lesser things!)/pick up trash along the highway as part of my community service (definitely worth it for those nude mailman photos, let me tell you)/call Nancy Kerrigan to ask what time we will be practicing our triple salchow with side by side double axels, and will Moira Kelly and D.B. Sweeney be there?/start taking my meds again. Immediately. The green ones. We don't want any more incidents like this now, do we?