Take Me To Your Troop Leader

I still have nothing to say. Except. I'm pretty sure it's raining nickels, I've got Sunshine In A Box (Oh how I love thee, Girl Scouts. And not in the "Helloooo my pretty little uniform-wearing girl, come sit in mommy's lap" kinda way either. That love is reserved for Boy Scouts. This is a clean, pure love. Not unlike the love I feel for Lifetime Television and people who wear galoshes), AND I read somewhere that doing jumping jacks will make you happy. So I've been doing jumping jacks ever since and you know what? I'm happy.
I'm so happy, I could vomit and my vomit would be happy. I mean, yeah, I also did a few lines of crack and took the twenty-nine anti-depressants that my mailman slipped into my mailbox along with the mail yesterday (I in no way take this as he thinks I'm crazy. I think it was either a.)An accident, or b.)He just wants to make sure I am really, really happy when he asks me to be his Mail Wife and live happily ever after with him in Mail Land), but I'm totally sure it's the jumping jacks. Try it, you might like it.


What I DIDN'T Find Under My Bed Yesterday Morning

1. Chocolate licorice. Or any licorice for that matter. But especially chocolate licorice since it doesn't exist.


2. Anne Frank's diary. And I didn't read it. Or plagiarize it. And not only because it wasn't there, but also because that would be wrong. And I am the opposite of wrong, and if my calculations are correct that would make me right.


3. A map of Luxembourg with red marks near any military locations. Because I make hateful spam e-mail attacks love, not war.


4. My soul. Nope. The goddamn thing stays out all night, comes creeping in around noon, and expects ME to make it breakfast. I don't think so, soul. Try not to choke to death on those Cheerios, ok?


What I DID Find Under My Bed Yesterday Morning

1. A SPEEDO, and TWO SHINY PENNIES. If you are missing either of these, please contact me and I will arrange to have them sent to you. Unless you live in Luxembourg. And then I'm just scared. For me, and for you.


I'm going to bed now. If I wake up tomorrow morning and there is a pinky ring, a gold chain, or a hairy old man under my bed, I'm so moving. In. With You.