It's About Damn Time, March
And When I Say Friend I Mean The Voice In My Head

I really have nothing to write home about, I just wanted to get rid of that goddamn Winnie the Pooh post before A.A. Milne came back from the dead to sue me/take me back to hell with him/ask to be my baby's daddy, and before I vomited Winnie the Pooh bits all over the place. Yeah, that would stain.
And speaking of stains, I can't stop thinking about the Olsen twins. Are they mentally challenged? Do they still call ice cream "ows cream"? Did they really sell their souls to Wal-Mart, and if so, did they get a good price? Are they related to Nellie Olsen from Little House On The prairie? More importantly, did I really just randomly tell one of my friends that "They're not identical twins, you know, they're fraternal. And I can tell you how to tell them apart, too" and after my friend said "What the hell is wrong with you?" did I really continue to tell him how Ashley is half an inch taller and has bigger eyes and a mouth (My friend almost became interested at this point, "Only one of them has a mouth?" "No, you moron, they both do, but Ashley's is bigger." "Ok, I'll try to remember that for the next time I'm face to face with the f#cking Olsen twins")?
And speaking of the Olsen twins, I can't stop thinking THAT I HAVE COMPLETELY LOST MY MIND. Please. Is anyone out there? Help. Me. Posting about Winnie the Pooh and the Olsen twins is a cry for help if I ever heard one.


Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind

1. I shake and baked my cat when I was little. It's not like it died or anything. And it's not like I really baked it or anything, I mean come on, how much damage could my little Easy Bake Oven have done anyway? But I did shake it. And not like a Polaroid. I had seen the Shake 'N Bake commercial and thought it looked like fun. I still think it looks like fun, but anyway, I digress. I found a plastic bag somewhere, threw some toys in it, then threw my lovely cat Mr. Whiskers* in and began shaking. I walked all around my house shaking that bag and yelling at the top of my little lungs "Shake and Bake, shake and bake, shake and bake". My mother was doing dishes in the kitchen and when I walked in there shaking the bag she asked what I had in the bag. I gleefully shouted "Toys!" She let it go for a few minutes until she heard a mysterious gasping noise coming from the bag, and then she ran over and grabbed it away from me and released Mr. Whiskers, who was panting like it was nobody's business. My mom yelled at me, I cried, Mr. Whiskers drank some water, and I haven't Shake and Baked since.


2. Also when I was younger, I had this neighbor who was a couple of years younger than me, and I swear, possibly, ummm, "challenged". And her name was Mary-Kate Olsen. The end. Just kidding, Mary-Kate! Her name was Lynn, and she worshipped me (see, "challenged"!). I was a mean child though, not at all the warm and loving adult I am now (ha ha, I can't even type that with a straight face). I used to tell Lynn that I would let her be in my Secret Club if she would let me chop off all her hair with my mom's sewing scissors/drink a tall glass filled with anything and everything in my refrigerator, including ketchup, raw eggs, pickle juice, strawberry jam, and Hi-C/give me all her Barbie stuff. And she did. And I never had a Secret Club. But I do now, so Lynn, if you're out there reading this, I will give you a free lifetime membership, and I will even waive the mandatory psychological screening just for you.


3. My cat's name wasn't really Mr. Whiskers. I just made that up. No, I don't know why. Do I really need a reason? Oh. Well then. I did it to protect the innocent? Yeah, that's it.


4. I cheat at scrabble. I make up words, try to pass them off as real words, and then get upset when questioned. I have been known to shout things like "Don't you TRUST me? What do we have if we don't have trust? Of course 'hocker' is a word! It's that new sport they play in England, kind of like soccer, only they use hand grenades!" And this is probably why no one lets me join in their reindeer games anymore.


5. I had to delete #5. I am wanted in many countries and it jeopardized my cover. And also because my brain keyboard thinks "President" is spelled C-h-e-e-r-l-e-a-d-e-r, and that would have been like getting two confessions for the price of one and I really couldn't allow that since the proceeds are going towards buying a new bag of Twizzlers getting that much needed brain surgery.


If my soul hadn't gone out on another drinking binge down at the local bar I bet it would feel so cleansed right now.