True Friends Don't Just Say 'Goodnight,'
They Say 'Goodnight, Try Not To Get A Concussion
On Your Way To Bed'

Was that a dream or did Stephanie Tanner really call Kimmy Gibbler a whore last night On A Very Special Full House? Somebody pinch me. I think this is what happens when you fall asleep to the Weather Channel after eating the other half of the bag of Twizzlers in a panic over whether everyone you know is trying to Reverse Psychologize (it's a word now, damn it) you. When I'm famous remind me to write a song about The Weather Channel. Oh wait, Sheryl Crow already did. Oh dear, dear Sheryl. Like there wasn't already enough reasons to have you taken out back and shot, you had to go and add this to your list of crimes?


Reason #671 Why I Won't Ever Rule The World - I was never on The Mickey Mouse Club.


I think I'll live dangerously today in honor of the Holiday and all. Yep, holiday. Yep, dangerously. Didn't Michelle Pfeiffer make a movie about living dangerously? We have that in common, Michelle and I. Minus the movie part anyway. Minus the movie part, but Plus the love of David E. Kelley, what does that equal?


How To Live Dangerously,
But Not In The Michelle Pfeiffer Kinda Way

1. Drink water out of the wrong side of the glass when you don't even have the hiccups. And if you want to live really dangerously, drink vodka out of the wrong side of the glass when you don't even have hiccups. And if you want to live really, really dangerously, drink rum out of a the wrong side of a bowl when you don't even have the hiccups. And if you want to live really, really, really dangerously, don't drink anything any way out of any thing when you have the hiccups. Just sit there in your hiccupiness and hiccup.


2. Don't yield. Just go. Yielding is for wimps. Whenever I am leaving my brother's house and about to drive home, instead of the usual "Drive safely" he says "Drive fast, take chances". He says this because he loves me. Yeah, he does. So I'm passing his homicidal big brother wisdom on to you. If you want to live really dangerously, close your eyes before not yielding. And if you want to live really, really dangerously, close your eyes and take your hands off the steering wheel before not yielding. And if you want to live really, really, really dangerously, just drive off a cliff. Or have dinner with my brother. Your choice.


3. Go swimming right after you eat. Don't wait 30 minutes for fear of getting a cramp and drowning. If you want to live really dangerously, go swimming in the ocean right after you eat. The Indian Ocean. If you want to live really, really dangerously, go swimming in the Indian Ocean with a hippopotamus tied to your back after you eat. If you want to live really, really, really dangerously, eat a hippopotamus while swimming in my bath tub.


Go forth and be brave, Pound Puppies.