Goodnight Moon, Goodnight Straightjacket
Goodnight Man Standing Over My Bed With A Hatchet

I couldn't sleep last night. Pretty Normal, right? I tried and tried. I counted sheep, I counted monkeys, I counted the number of people whose bare feet I've seen, but, alas (Enter abnormality), one thing and one thing only kept popping into my head and making me giggle like An Insomniac On Crack, the phrase "There are no strangers...Only friends we haven't met." What the hell? I suppose it's better than that time I couldn't sleep because Donna and David from Beverly Hills, 90210 were having sex in my head. But still. I'm a teensy bit afraid because I did watch part of Girl Interrupted one of the fifty billion times it was on TV last night (Did Winona Ryder die, or what?) before I went to bed, and what if I caught Brittany Murphy's schizophrenia through the TV and that's why I was up half the night in a fit of maniacal laughter? Just in case, I did check under my bed this morning, and you can breathe easy now, there was no chicken there. I'm not positive "lack of chicken carcasses under the bed" is in the medical definition of sane, but it works for me.
I'm determined to sleep tonight so that I don't wake up with another axe stuck in my head (ok, it only felt like that), even if it kills me. Well, not really. But I will try harder. Even if it involves reading passages of Anna Karenina by flashlight and solving algebraic equations where X=The number of sheep that jumped over the fence in my head before I started thinking sheep are not as cute as they are made out to be and Y=The number of bare feet I have seen in person multiplied by The number of monkeys in the San Diego Zoo. Yeah. I'm so sleeping tonight.
And in the morning I will fight evil! Because guess what?! I'm Superhero material! I have a Superhero cape (so what if it's a sheet, Jonnie tells me it's ok as long as it doesn't have pee on it), I have Superhero boots, and I have a unique Superhero ability to Sense Kylie Minogue songs before they even come on the radio (this is helpful in Saving The World From Unnecessary Pain) Retain an unbelievably high tolerance for really bad television (this is helpful so that I am not Weakened when face to face with an enemy such as Whoopi Goldberg) Leap tall, sensible buildings in a single, non-sensible blog! Woo Hoo! Being a Superhero is so much better than being a Lifetime Movie of The Week. Unless it's that new one about syphilis. Or that old one with Meredith Baxter-Whoever in which she binges and purges like no one I've ever seen, except maybe my friend that one time I told her she had just eaten testicles. But anyway. Goodnight.