Do You Like Bears,
And Do You Really Want To Make Me Cry?
(I'll Take 'Questions I Might Ask February
If February Came For Tea' For $500, Alex)



I've decided that in order to overcome this February From Hell, one of the following must occur:


1. I must demolish all buildings in my neighborhood and build a baseball field. Because if I build it, they will come. And by they I mean The Angels of Mercy, yes, that's right, The Hallmark Blushing Bears. They will come and they will play little Hallmark Blushing Bear baseball and I will watch while eating popcorn with Kevin Costner and James Earl Jones, and all will be right with the world. At least until they lose the Hallmark Blushing Bear World Series to two masked bears and I have to kill them go back to crying myself to sleep at night.


2. I must learn to accept that when it is February and someone says "You look like you've been rolling around on your carpet, your eyelashes are all sparkly...Seriously, is that carpet lint?" that it is a compliment. I know it's not the normal everyday compliment you might receive such as "Yes, you are definitely my baby's mommy" or "I like your Cabbage Patch Kid socks," but it is February, and you can't expect too much from February or you are destined to end up curled up in the fetal position under your desk wearing nothing but those Cabbage Patch Kid socks, singing "Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?" through tears while Dim Sum, your Pet Shop Boy Loving Panda neighbor taunts you with a bag of peanut butter cups and a $100 rebate off a Hoover SteamVac. Not that this has happened to me or anything.


3. I must change my name to Charlotte, marry that boy that played Juliette Lewis' mentally challenged husband in that movie The Retarded Other Sister, go with him to Japan so he can make rock videos, feel lost, meet Bill Murray, who will also be feeling lost, receive notes slipped under my door reading "Are you awake?" from Bill Murray, sing karaoke with Bill Murray, eat sushi with Bill Murray, and watch late night Japanese TV with Bill Murray. Yeah. It's become clear that watching Lost In Translation 56,213 times in a row alone will not be enough to get me through the month, but living it just might, and anyway I think there is no way Bill could have left me if I was Charlotte.


And you know, if say, for some reason I wasn't able to accomplish any of the above three, I've given this some serious thought and the only thing that makes sense other than going on a killing spree is jumping in the sewer to get super powers, isn't that how The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles did it, I'd be like The Twenty-Something Mutant Ninja Belle, Saturday morning cartoons would rise again, and I would kick February's ass into next year.
And yeah, I've totally lost all touch with my old friend REALITY, in case you were wondering.