The Day A House Fell On Betty Crocker
And Idaho Rejoiced, As Told By Me

Did I ever tell you about the time I was driving down a dark, twisting stretch of highway with my friends Freddie Prinze Jr., Sarah Michelle Gellar, and Ryan Phillippe after partying on the beach, hit a man and presumably killed him only to have him actually live (!) and come back to stalk us all a year later, killing off my pals Sarah Michelle and Ryan before the love of my life Freddie and I could figure out what was going on and barely manage to avoid his death grip? Wait. F*ck. That wasn't me, that was Jennifer Love Hewitt in I Know What You Did Last Summer. I am always confusing us. Well. We are both, uhh, ex-girlfriends of Carson Daly humans. I think.


I Know What You Did Last Night
(9 Things I May Or May Not Have Done,
Minus Anything That Might Get My Medical License* Revoked)

1. I may have realized that if you drink a whole lot of Diet Cherry Coke combined with taking just the right sinus medication you will suddenly become the Energizer Bunny, gain the ability to leap tall buildings in a single bound, beat a drum until your neighbors' ears bleed, memorize the periodic table just for fun, and realize that "Idaho" is a registered trademark of the Idaho Potato Commission (it has to be true! I read it on the back of my Potato Buds box! And Potato Buds are made by Betty Crocker so I guess what this really means is Hello, Idaho, Betty Crocker OWNS you. What I want to know is how do I register my state as a trademark of the Goldfish Commission? And how do I get a job on the Potato Commission, because I can so see myself saying "Oh yes, I'm President of the Potato Commission, what do you do?").


2. I may have been insulted by my three year old nephew (just like a typical male, he calls me and then after a minute whines "I don't wan tawk him any-mowa, I tawk to him morrow" as he hands the phone to his mom. Yeah, that's right. He called me a him. So what. He has issues, clearly. I mean we're talking about a boy who drinks out of a "sippy" cup and is afraid of Curious George).


3. I may have been inappropriate and sent someone inappropriate a Valentine, despite some appropriate advice telling me it would be a Bad Idea. And it may have read something like "Dear Mr. Mailman, Please be my baby's daddy. I don't need chocolates or flowers, just you (in full mailman uniform of course), me, your mail truck, and maybe those Blushing Bears. Be Mine. Love, Me".


4. I may have talked a little too much about Benson, Mr. Belvedere, the mechanic from Wings, the four women I'd have sex with, and how all those things were related.


5. I may have locked myself out of my new cell phone, after losing my previous cell phone to The Margarita Incident (hey, if you are psychic and/or work for Sprint and know the goddamn password that I never set, leave it in the comments, thanks).


6. I may have wondered if Kirk Cameron was still alive (apparently he is. And he's probably reading this. Hi, Kirk! How are things? How is your sister DJ Tanner? Hugs and kisses!).


7. I may have wondered if a lot of people were still alive, because I tend to think everyone I don't talk to on a daily basis is dead, and yeah, that includes myself.


8. I may have called someone to ask if I had already called, because yes, Kirk Cameron is still alive, and yes, I'm slowly losing my mind, and yes, there's probably also a connection there.


9. I may have forgotten anything else I might have done because of the aforementioned losing of my mind.


*By "Medical License" I meant "Monkey". They both begin with the letter "M", see the confusion?


So, no, I didn't kill anyone last night, and now if you'll excuse me it's Wednesday and Wednesday means I Serve At The Pleasure Of President Martin Sheen so I really must go do that, whatever that means, although I like to think it means I feed him m&m's while we watch Never Before Seen episodes of The West Wing together and on commercial breaks he says things like "The 82nd Airborne works for me" and "Post hoc, ergo propter hoc". Hey, it's my dream.