As Long As Charlie Brown Lives In My Head I'm Not Alone,
But Seriously, Is It Just Me, Or

1. Does everyone imagine their Top 5 Most Played Songs on their iPods duking it out with each other for the coveted #1 spot in a style that can only be described as reminiscent of MTV's Celebrity Death Match? In my head Marvin Gaye is all "Let's Get It On, b#tch!" while Yoshimi battles not the Pink Robots, but The Rolling Stones, which, let's face it, wouldn't take long since they are, as my good friends Guns N Roses (ok, they're not really my good friends, but don't tell them that) might say, knocking on heaven's door, and Bob Dylan crouches in the corner weeping and franticly trying to call the Karma Police on his cell phone for back up before Yoshimi drop kicks him and in a surprise twist (!) The Walkmen leap into the ring as Bob's bloody corpse rolls out and start kicking ass like it's "New Year's Eve". Yeah. So, you do this too, right? Right?


2. Does everyone have a hard time spelling "reminiscent"? But then again. I've been known to misspell three letter words and also to e-mail people asking questions like "Say I was throwing you a party and you didn't know I was throwing you a party...what kind of party is that?" in an effort to avoid looking up "surprise" in the dictionary. So maybe it is just me. Nah.


3. Is Pyramid really The Greatest Game Show On The Face Of The Planet? Hello, Donny Osmond? I think you've found your true calling. Despite expecting to see Marie lurking in the shadows or with her hand up Donny's backside in a freakish puppet reveal (it didn't happen, at least not on the 521 episodes I've watched since I've been stricken with a potentially fatal case of Monkey Pox Insomnia), this show never disappoints. And! Thanks to Donny Osmond and his crack infused game show I've had an(other) epiphany. Are you ready for this? Everything relates to Jerry Maguire. Forget Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon; it's Six Degrees of Jerry Maguire, my friends. You see, it was "Sweethearts Week" or something saccharine like that, maybe it was "We Are Two Bodies, But One Soul Week", I can't really say for sure, but anyway, Jerry O'Connell was a guest (with his girlfriend, who I must say took the game a little too seriously and if I had a heart I probably would have been afraid for Jerry's life when he failed to guess the correct answer, but since I don't, it was sorta, kinda, hysterical). And we all know Jerry O'Connell played "Cushman" in Jerry Maguire, don't we? Add this to Jay Mohr, who played "Bob Sugar" in the movie, being on The West Wing last week, and what does it spell? You can run, but you can't hide from a Sports Agent With A Mission Statement and his Gang Of Misfit Island Rejects.


4. Does everyone's dad leave "Don't call me, I'll call you" messages on their answering machines? Maybe I'm not paying him enough? With my luck he's downsizing me because, in another Jerry Maguire slant, he wants fewer clients daughters, less money grief. Damn it. I knew Jerry Maguire would come back to haunt me in one way or another. I just always assumed it would be in the form of Renee Zellweger's bastard child. Wrong again, Tell her what she's won, Donny!


5. Does now seem like a good time to play with my Glow Worm collection go to sleep?


Well? Yeah. I thought so.