Who Cares What Snoopy Thinks,
It's My Birthday And I'll Cry If I Want To
You Would, Too, If Brooke Shields Was Your Mom


Tell me if any of this is normal. I mean, I know it's not normal, I just want to know if I should put up a fight when the men come for me with my very own perfectly tailored white coat or if I should call and reserve a private, padded cell now.


1. Sometimes I hear voices. Or a voice. When I'm doing random things, like mopping my floor (I had a maid, but you know, she got freaked out when she saw all the blood stains, and, you know, I had to kill her), and the voice says "If you build it, they will come". Only I'm pretty sure it's the voice of Charlie Brown, and he's not referring to a Field Of Dreams, because he also says "If you don't build it, they won't come, and then you should just devote your life to a god, but not the god, because let's face it, that god doesn't like you and you devoting your life to a god that doesn't like you would just be stupid, and you're really a smart girl, no matter what the rest of the gang says". Whatever, it's not like I've actually built anything. Like an ark, or anything. I was just hoping to get one for my birthday so I could tell the voice I built it and get Charlie Brown to shut the hell up already. So do I get sane points for that?


2. I have decided to never, ever have children. And it's all Brooke Shields' fault. Ok, not just hers. Hers and Bright Beginnings. Because if not playing Animotion's "Obsession" in front of your child is what is expected of motherhood, forget it. I was really into that commercial, ok maybe a little too into it, with Brooke singing along into the baby bottle and dancing around the kitchen. And then BAM she "realizes" most mothers are playing Bach for their children and shuts it off. This makes me very, very sad. I had one hand on the phone to call Child Protective Services to launch an investigation into Brooke's parenting skills and the other on the phone to the Better Business Bureau to launch an investigation into this wacky baby formula company when it dawned on me that saying "It's just not right to deprive your baby of the 80's" wasn't going to get me far. So I gave up. And I shall remain childless because of Brooke. Childless and Mirthless. Childless, mirthless, and give me a minute, I'm sure there's something else I can blame on her. But I'm sure you all feel the same way.


3. Last night I dreamt I was Donna from The West Wing and that Josh fired me. After we made out. Several times. And I (as Donna) kept crying hysterically while I packed up my stuff, which including several prom type dresses I apparently kept in my desk (I bet they have a lot of Proms at The White House) and Josh watched me like a hawk, as if I might steal something. And then, when I went to use the White House ladies room before they escorted me off the property, I glanced in the mirror and I had this god awful TEAL eyeliner streaming down my face. So to sort of offset it, I figured hey, I think I'll put on a whole lot of SPARKLY WHITE eye shadow. And then I woke up, thank god, because I was only seconds away from turning into Tammy Faye Baker and Ronald McDonald's love child who just got fired from The White House after making out with her boss.


I have to go do my Birthday Dance now. Outside. In the snow. Wearing only my iPod, which will be playing "Obsession", thank you very much.