This Is Your Brain.
This Is Your Brain In A Tutu Screaming
'Don't Do It, Neve, Don't'
Any Questions?

So tonight, as I was opening Christmas presents (yes, I know it's January, but it's also January twenty fifth, and why should Christmas just be in December? I know what you're thinking, Christ's birthday, yada yada yada, well I'm sure Christ would want me to have presents on the 25th of every month, and until he tells me otherwise, this is the way I row my boat, row my boat, row my boat), two things occurred to me. I know you're on the edge of your seat, your eyes are watering, your teeth are grinding, your stomach is in knots, well maybe you should up your meds, but this is about me, let's get back to me, me, me, and me, ending your suspense.
The first thing that occurred to me was that Neve "NeveR should I make movies" Campbell's new movie could very well be The End of The World As We Know It, and I do not feel fine. No one, and I mean no one, well except maybe those evil highschoolers who stand outside the supermarket collecting money for their cocaine habit school football team, should ever have to see Bailey's sister (let's face it, that's who she is, Bailey and Charlie and Owen and Claudia's sister, and no one else) in a tutu, ok? I really think this might be the Apocalypse. Coming to a theatre near you.
The second thing that occurred to me was that there are many, many uses for salad tongs, and yet this utensil gets very little recognition and this makes me want to weep openly for my mommy, and I don't think this has anything to do with the fact that I was conceived with the help of some salad tongs, but my therapist says maybe. You can use them to toss salad, to get salad out of the bowl, to put place salad from the bowl onto your plate, to pick up monkey poop, to braid your hair (As Seen On TV), to scratch your back, to scratch your upstairs neighbor's panda back, to keep wild Demon cats away, to dig through the dirt if you get buried alive (this is why I have specified in my Will that I wish to be buried with my salad tongs. In case Neve Campbell my cats, who stand to inherit my millions someone "accidentally" buries me when I am really not dead), to get out of a speeding ticket (Sorry, officer, these salad tongs fell on the floor of the car and pressed the gas pedal down), to be your new best friend (BFF! Me and Salad Tongiee!), to jump start your car made out of salad, etc, etc, I think you see what I'm saying. You do, don't you?
Well. With that said, I'm off to sleep the sleep of a thousand girls and dream the dreams of a thousand monkeys. Merry Christmas.