Distance Makes The Soul Grow Fonder,
Or Something Like That

Is it ok that I dropped my late dinner of blueberry muffin crumbs and diet cherry coke all over my keyboard just now? I should probably be asking my keyboard that, but I am so not in the mood for his holier than thou attitude, so just tell me, is it ok? I mean, really? Everything still seems to be functioning, I haven't seen any sparks yet, and sparks would mean trouble so lack of sparkage is good, no? Yes? Yeah, I'm even confusing myself now.


If Someone Says One Of These Things To Me
And No One Is Around To Hear It
And I Kill That Person, Will It Make A Sound?

1. "You seem so distant lately."
Yeah, I do.
It's because I'm plotting to kill you. It's not personal though, just ask Wil Wheaton, one day he was just a boy getting blown to bits in Toy Soldiers, and the next he was my baby's daddy. Also, besides the whole plotting your death thing, I've become obsessed with finding the perfect vacuum cleaner. Because I just know that having the right vacuum cleaner will make everything in my life sunshiny and cotton candy-y and rainbow in every room-y. Not to mention less cat hair-y, because my current Vacuum (they don't call it a Dirt DEVIL for nothing) just stares mockingly at me when I ask it to please suck up some of the fur clumps that have accumulated on my carpet before I wake up in the middle of the night and become convinced my cats are multiplying even though as a precaution I stopped feeding them after midnight months ago and I never, ever get them wet. And no, I do not think I'm getting carried away. Why do you think there are serial killers in this world? Because their parents didn't love them enough? Their schoolmates picked on them for having big ears and little feet? Please. No. They didn't have a Hoover SteamVac. I'm telling you, if I had paid any attention in that statistics class in college I could so map out the correlation between Hoover SteamVacs and Serial Killers right now, and you would be weeping into your nachos, you'd be so impressed.


2. "Have you no soul?"
Is this a trick question? No. I mean Yes. I mean, wait, what was the question again? Someone actually said this to me when I admitted that I wasn't interested in reading The Five People You Meet in Heaven. The thing is I started reading it. I really tried. It just all went downhill for me when the guy got to heaven and started meeting the five people, and it just so happened that this happened on page 2. That's when I put the book down, and apparently that's also when my soul jumped out of my body and went down to The GasLight for a few drinks. I won't read it, you can't make me, no you can't, and you can have my stupid soul, it caused me nothing but trouble the whole time I had it anyway. And plus! (This requires an exclamation point because it's super exciting!) Now when the next wanna-be Prince Charming comes along and says "We are two bodies, but one soul," I can totally say "You have no idea, buddy" and when I say buddy I mean Buddy Lembeck, and not Buddy Holly, because that is so not Buddy Holly's style, he's more of a "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" kinda guy, and damn, why is it all coming back to heaven today? Why can't it come back to a place where the bouncer knows me and will let me in on my good looks and sparkling personality and overlook that whole sinning equals burning in hell for all eternity thing?


I haven't slept in a billion and one days and so now I must go freebase mass amounts of Salada Comfortime tea and hope it aids in my drifting off into a lovely Monchhichi dream filled sleep and not just excessive bleeding out of my ears/nose/bone marrow/baby toe.