In Case The Bomb Strapped To Your Cat's Back Didn't Give It Away
1. It started last year and shows no signs of ending any time soon. Or at least not until Martin Sheen is sitting in the oval office and Bradley Whitford is his deputy chief of staff, and I'm his lovely non-vowel-turning assistant who he occasionally has sex with while saying things like "I'm the Deputy White House Chief of Staff. I oversee eleven hundred White House employees. I answer directly to the President of the United States. Did you think you were talking to the paperboy?" .
2. People keep saying, in hushed tones, when they see your eyes glazing over with that I'm just going to have to kill them all, it's the only way look, "Well, you know the saying, You can't please all the people all the time." Thanks, for the uhh, regurgitated worm food you're trying to pass off as comfort, but I ate yesterday. Since you brought it up though, I don't want to please all the people all the time! I don't even want to please all of the people some of the time, or some of the people all of the time. But if I could just please maybe one person maybe once every 3-4 weeks, that would be grand. Even if that person is not really a person at all, but a cat or a monkey or an 80's music loving Panda. I'd be ok with that, I would. And don't think I don't know that you're thinking of "pleased" in The Divinyls "When I Think About You I Touch Myself" context here!
3. You find HELP ME PLEASE scratched into every possible surface there is to scratch it into- your desk, your mirror, your toaster, your glow worms (but not yourself because that's a whole other Lifetime Movie Of The Week, aptly titled "I Cut Therefore I Am," starring Crazy Andie from Dawson's Creek)- and you can't remember doing any of it, though it sure looks like your handwriting, and you are holding a dull knife in your hand.
4. You decide to make ice, because making ice is comforting, it makes you think there is a reason for living, a greater good even, and when you open the freezer you underestimate your own super human strength and hit yourself in the head with the freezer door, which leaves a big red mark, which will later turn black and blue, which will later cause someone to refer you to a Woman's Shelter, which will later make you wonder if there is a Woman's Shelter that specializes in housing and caring for Women Battered By Themselves. Or Escaped Pandas. And the vicious cycle never, ever ends, because later you will realize that in all the pain and wonder of it all you forgot to make the ice.
5. You buy this, in hopes you can use it to magically erase the past 30 days, maybe even the past year, but if it doesn't work you figure at least you can use it to erase the
(And Sometimes I Go To North Carolina)
So yeah, I'm having one of Those Days. I think it may have started in November, if we're going to be technical, but I've never been one for technicality, unless you count that time I made a nightlight in Industrial Arts in high school and my teacher said that yes, technically I did create light. Anyway. What's a girl who is living a month of bad days to do? Go on a drinking binge? Have gratuitous sex? With Martin Sheen? While making him call me First Lady? Bake a batch of my World Famous Bailey's Irish Cream Chocolate Chunk Cookies? In the nude? Run away to North Carolina, home of Cheerwine, two really cute boys and one really cute girl, and I'm not sure, but maybe even a pizza place, for a few days? Yeah, that's the one. I'm going to North Carolina. If you need me I'll be at Fuddruckers consuming mad cows. If you don't need me, well fine, I don't need you either, and maybe we should see other people because
posted by a princess 1:22 AM
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