Of Course When I Say You, I Mean Me
(Except For When I Mean You)

Snow makes you do funny things. Especially when you eat it and it's yellow and then you realize Hey! That's not snow, it's Renee Zellweger's son's little, blonde, dead head! No, I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm hours away from going Kathy Bates In Misery crazy, and I blame it all on the snow. Well, the snow and my parents. And the government. And Cameron Crowe. And that old show Out Of This World with Evie who could freeze time by touching her two index fingers together. Just because.


As I was saying, the snow, it's a wacky thing. It makes you write poems entitled "Ode To Cameron Crowe", but that should really be titled "Oh My God I Am Touched In The Head"/Rearrange your kitchen knives according to the perceived depth of a stab wound when stabbing a Garden Gnome or Live Toaster/Lie on your bedroom floor making Carpet Angels (and damn fine Carpet Angels)/Write all your Christmas cards as if you are that girl from Swimfan ("Dear Uncle Dick, Do you have my panties, my panties, I think I left them in your car...Happy Holidays" or "Dear Mailman, You love me, I know it!! Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, From That Girl Who Gets All Those Magazines")/Wonder how old Alvin, Simon, and Theodore would be today if they were still alive and recording Christmas carols (they are dead, aren't they? What's the average life expectancy of an animated chipmunk these days anyway?)/Build a cabin (A cabin is still a cabin, even when it's made out of Legos) and induce a (Saturday Night) fever so you can tell everyone you have Cabin Fever and really mean it/Try to convince others (and by others I mean your cats) that since you have these slippers that look like Ballet Slippers you are A World Renowned Ballerina With The New York City Ballet Company and perform your rendition of The Nutcracker, which frankly they are not impressed with, and anyway they think this is a little too much like that time you tried to convince them that you were Jennifer Grey in Dirty Dancing because sometimes people called you "Baby", too, and one time you carried a watermelon.


It's not my fault; it's the snow's fault. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.


2 Things I Tried To Blame On The Snow,
But Didn't Get Away With

1. Stealing the Baby Jesus out of the manger from the town's Nativity Set. I can sense your disappointment in me (Please note that I didn't say I cared, just that I sensed it). In my defense though, he was so cute and I was sure they had a back-up, and I've just always wanted a Baby Jesus of my very own. Unfortunately I left a tiny piece of evidence behind at the scene of the crime and my town's Police Force went all CSI and tracked me down (ok, it was my drivers license, and even then it took them 2 days to figure it out) and there was a hostage situation and someone got shot (good thing I bought Baby Jesus that bulletproof vest as an early Christmas present) and when I went before the judge I tried to say "It was the snow, cabin fever, the snow made me do it", but I had never been in front of a judge before and was nervous so I think what I really ended up saying was "But I like Baby Jesus, and he likes me, too" because the judge threw the book at me. Or would have if not for the surprise character witness...Cameron Crowe! *Gasp* I think you can guess what happened next. Yep. We went to the zoo watched Jerry Maguire.


2. The purchasing of one of those bags of Oreos with the red creme in the middle. You know, the ones that look like they might be The Devil's Oreos, but are marketed as Winter Oreos. The cashier gave me The Raised Eyebrow when ringing them up for me so I felt the need to explain myself. "I've been feeling kind of weird since it started snowing like this. I don't know why I bought these. I don't even like the normal Oreos... Oh your dad works for Oreo? I didn't mean that these weren't normal. I meant, ummm, have you seen the snow?" And then I realized she hadn't been raising her eyebrow at me, her eyebrow was stuck that way and I had entered the Twilight Oreo Zone and I ran, ran, ran, as fast as my little Moon Boots would take me.


I can't be held responsible for this post. The snow made me do it, and just be glad I didn't AudioPost myself singing Milli Vanilli's "Blame It On The Rain" except replacing "rain" with "snow", because the thought crossed my mind.