Any Resemblance To Renee Zellweger's Son,
Living Or Dead,
Is Unintentional And Purely Coincidental

I know, I know, you were hoping I wouldn't update for like another 10 years so as to give you time to absorb the full flavor of my last post and maybe, I don't know, seek some therapy to help you deal with what you read, but sorry! I had to do it. I've made a potentially life altering decision. And no, it doesn't involve fewer clients, less money or starting my own Sports Management Firm. I've decided I would be a great Real World/Road Rules Challenge team member/contestant/whatever they're called. Ok, so I've only seen two episodes of the show, and it was one hour of my life I'll never get back (I know, I tried, I tried so hard. I called my friend at the Time Travel Agency and asked if there were any flights going back to an hour ago, Pre-Real World/Road Rules Challenge, but she said all those flights were booked due to a sudden influx of Real World/Road Rules Challenge Marathon viewers who couldn't take another second) and I'm kind of bitter, but I'm on a new "There Is Something To Be Learned From Everything" kick, and I figure what I didn't actually learn I can make up. So...yeah. I think this could be my destiny. And I think I could kick destiny's ass, with both hands tied behind my back, while climbing a spinning ladder to rescue a stuffed cat.


The Requirements To Being On The Show,
As Told By A Disgruntled Ex-Cast Member Me

1. You must have been on either The Real World or Road Rules. Ok, this one might be kind of hard to get around. But maybe not. The Real World has been on for years, they can't possibly keep track of all the old cast members. I could kill one of the originals and assume her identity. Maybe I'll be Julie The Virgin from the very first Real World. And not just because she's the only one I remember, and not just because I want to kill her. Wait, maybe I won't have to kill anyone. I could just make up a fictitious cast member, and act offended that they don't remember me. In fact I'll make up a whole season. I'll be all "Yeah, I was on The Real World Luxembourg" and flip out when they question me, yelling something vague and Real World-ish like "You're not really hearing me, and did you eat my f@#king lunch meat?". I think I might be able to pull it off if I keep saying things like "Seven strangers, Yep, I'm one of the seven strangers, picked to live in a house, uh huh, start getting REAL!!". You think?


2. You have to have been abused as a child. Possibly by Michael Jackson, before he became a woman, but that's alleged, I mean negotiable. This is the only explanation I can come up with as to why these people cry over every goddamn little thing. Transference. Because really, Weird Hair Girl can't be that upset with Bandana Boy simply because he voted for Elk girl instead of Playboy Bunny Girl, who he's developing feelings for (I'm trying really hard to take this seriously, I am, when every fiber of my being is screaming out WHO THE HELL CARES?? But I guess the answer to that, my friends, is Weird Hair Girl). I mean, any back alley psychologist can see that Weird Hair Girl was abused as a child and sees the same homoerotic testosterone filled traits in Bandana Boy as she saw in Michael Jackson (like I said, before he became a woman) her dad/brother/uncle/school janitor/dog/school janitor's dog. Now, I am fully prepared to say that I have been abused as a child by the little man who lives in my head and answers to the name Charlie Dynamite Brown, and I think the added trauma of my abuser being imaginary will give me the extra edge I need to win, win, win.


3. You must not be able to get along with anyone, except for that one person you will fall in Deep Real World/Road Rules Challenge Love with, but don't worry, that won't last because whoever the hell said All Is Fair In Love And War wasn't faced with going to The Gauntlet. I know there are a lot of people in the world (Or so I'm told, I don't really know this for a fact, I haven't seen them all with my own eyes, and they do say seeing is believing). But how do they manage to get 28 Antichrists together in Colorado to Roll Logs? Of course, being an Antichrist myself, I shouldn't talk. This is the easiest requirement they have. Why couldn't college admissions use these requirements? I would so have been Little Miss Ivy League, and instead of reading this blog right now you'd be, well, you'd be...reading this blog except I'd use bigger words and write about important things like world hunger and the stock market and the penguins dying in Alaska (Are penguins dying in Alaska? I think I made that up, but I'm sure some penguins are dying). So cry a tear for me and my non-Ivy League education, ok?


4. You must like to hang upside down from your legs over a pool. A pool of Human Blood! Ok, not really, but that is a show I could really see myself on. Only not really, because I hate blood! Unless it's the blood of a certain blonde haired, glasses wearing, zoo going, mutant kid, and then I love blood. Anyway. You have to like to do stupid things, all in the name of 50 Billion Dollars. Maybe not 50 Billion Dollars, but you would think it was 50 Billion Dollars by the level of seriousness these freaks people take. But hey, I do stupid things for 0 Billion Dollars. What's wrong with this picture?


You would cast me in YOUR Challenge, wouldn't you? If not, just lie and say yes, because otherwise I might break down and sob hysterically and/or fill your pool with blood and hang over it until you say yes. The choice is yours.