Today Is The Greatest Day (And Other Lies To Get You Through The Day)

Elvis is alive. I saw him with my very own eyes last night. He even spoke to me. Words I shall never forget. He said "your movie is due back by 9pm tomorrow".


It's perfectly acceptable to forget a friend's birthday. He/She will realize you have things of importance too numerous to count on your mind and call you silly for even mentioning it two weeks late. He/She will not get mad and run over your cat/dog/grandmother or anything like that.


You should drink the water in Mexico. Yeah, I know, everyone says not to, but it's ok. Nothing bad will happen. Your intestines won't explode. And it's so cool and refreshing and you're so thirsty and you've been walking for 79 days in the desert and won't it just taste so good?


The television is the new book. Feeling guilty for passing over "Anna Karenina" for "Alias"? Please. No need to read a book anymore. You can learn anything you need from that box in your living room and it has pretty pictures.


Eating 5 million Reese's peanut butter cups will not give you a stomach ache. Yummy. Eat 5 million and one! And live in a world that doesn't know sadness.


You are The Good Guy and anyone who disagrees with you is The Bad Guy. Opinions, shmopinions, I say. We can't all be right. So clearly they're wrong. Bad Guy status = Exiled to Russia to make wooden dolls and forced to read only Oprah's magazine and the Yankee Candle catalog.


All good things come to those who wait. More than just a ketchup slogan. It's a way of life. So you've been waiting for 20 years to get that promotion so you can work drive-thru and not just the counter? I'm sure it will happen eventually, keep on keeping on. And yes, I'd like fries with that.


Time flies when you're not having fun. Sometimes I'll be not having fun and then look at the clock and it's just like wow, where did the time go? Especially when I'm getting a root canal or cleaning my bathtub or standing in line at the store and there are 5 screaming children running around and one of them puts gum in my hair. These moments just go by entirely too fast.