Please Shoot Me

Hypothetically speaking, wouldn't it really suck if say, you were just about to drift off to sleep and the scene from Beverly Hills, 90210 where Donna (a.k.a. Tori Spelling, but really, who cares) get de-virginized by David (a.k.a. Brian Austin Green who apparently now goes by just Brian Green but who will probably be going by Brian Cougar Mellencamp Green by next week) popped into your head? Especially if you hadn't seen the show in a billion and one years and you never liked Donna and David in the first place, but just as you were heading into snoozeville (population: none), *BAM* there is Donna in her lingerie with David looming over her. Hypothetically speaking if that happened to me I would ask that someone please shoot me, because after that vision there is just no chance I would be able to sleep. Ever again.

So while I'm hypothetically awake, I give you...


Things That Scare Me Almost As Much As Donna And David Having Sex In My Head:


1. Pretty much nightly I worry that my toaster will come to life and toast me to death. I can't think of a more horrible death than being toasted, so I've taken measures to prevent this. Just unplugging it is not an option, because if it can come to life it can certainly plug itself in and I'm not entirely sure it matters if a Live Toaster is plugged in or not. It probably runs on adrenaline. Or butter. Whatever. So I unplug it and stuff bagels in it and then tape up the slots with duct tape and then I put it in a box which I also duct tape closed and then I bury it in my backyard next to the other appliances that scare me. It's only really an issue when I'm running late in the morning and misplace my shovel. Otherwise, it's working out just fine.


2. When I'm washing my face (because sometimes my face gets that 'not so fresh feeling', ok?) or brushing my teeth or doing secret things that involve bending over the sink I'm constantly afraid someone is going to sneak up behind me and bash my skull into the sink and kill me. This is probably the most normal fear I have. It may be a result of watching too many horror movies or maybe it's because one time someone actually did that to me and I died and dying is not as fun as you might think, especially if you have to clean up after.


3. Then there is the "I'm driving and the back of the car is on fire, I know it!" fear. I'm convinced that the back of my car is going to be on fire one day and I'll be driving along oblivious to it. I've taken to wearing a flame retardant suit while driving now in hopes to combat this (it's actually quite comfortable). And God forbid someone beeps at me for any reason, like say because I hit them, ran a red light, ran their dog/cat/wife over, whatever, I instantly assume they are trying to alert me to the fire at the rear of my car, pull over, grab that fire extinguisher I keep under my seat for just that reason and jump out of the car ready to go all Backdraft on it.


4. Dying to the tune of "Hungry Like A Wolf". This last one I'm not sure is so much a fear as it is a prediction of my future. I once saw this TV Movie in which Farrah Fawcett killed her kids while rocking out to "Hungry Like A Wolf" by Duran Duran. Ever since I have had this strong feeling that I, too, will be killed to that song. So if ever you invite me to your house and you're playing that song and you're wondering why I run out screaming, that's why. Or maybe I just don't like you. One of those. Of course I could be off base here, it could actually be that a wolf is going to kill me, but I hope not because while I've been on the alert for the song I haven't really been on the lookout for any wolves, which actually may be what they want now that I think of it. Nice work trying to distract me with that song, but I'm so onto you now, wolves!


I have to go hypothetically play with my Glow Worms or something now.