Oatmeal Is The Devil's Breakfast And This Is Why I Need An Intervention

You know how I was yearning for a drug addiction?
You know how they say "Be careful what you wish for"?
Yeah. I think I've become physically and emotionally dependent on eye drops. Not crack, or crank, or meth, or whatever drug it is you're on that makes you read this nonsense. Visine. I started using (is it horribly wrong that I love that phrase almost as much as "free-basing"?) when I became worried that I would get fired if people found out, I mean mistakenly thought, I was moonlighting as a stripper since I came in to work in my G-String my eyes were always so bloodshot in the morning. And now I've spiraled out of control. I'm using even when my eyes are not red or irritated. What's next, injecting it into my veins? That would give a whole new meaning to "Gets The Red Out", wouldn't it? This is my cry for help.


Ok, here's the other thing. I buy things off eBay. No big deal, who doesn't, right? It's all fun and games until you end up with these and you have no recollection of bidding on them or buying them or setting them up on that special display case you apparently bought so you could show them off to all your friends and you start naming them and then you realize they are your friends, and what's worse, they don't like you. In fact you're pretty sure they're poised to start a war against you, but you're too afraid to get close enough to find out since they must emit some sort of radioactivity to glow like that, and you get enough of that from your microwave oven.


Do you see a pattern here? Neither do I, but still I must be stopped! Before I hurt someone! So call Sally Struthers and get her to help me. Oh wait, she only helps the orphans, that's right. Well still, for the price of a cup of coffee a day you could be supporting my habit. Or something like that. And if you're wondering what any of this has to do with oatmeal, you're not alone.