Monkeys Are People, Too

Ok, the zoo was closed. Actually there is no zoo around here. There used to be a "Wild Animal Farm" where I never met an ostrich or llama I didn't like. But they tore that down, something about my parents smuggling illegal animals over the border. Whatever. Two words: Wrongly Accused. But it's a tough case when it's you against 17 angry monkeys (my parents didn't think monkeys really liked bananas, they refused to buy into "the government's way of controlling us" and instead fed them potatoes. The monkeys didn't like potatoes and so were prone to riots, and the case against my parents was their chance at redemption. And bananas).
Anyway, I think you can see where I'm going with this.
If you're going to run a makeshift zoo out of your home, don't piss off the monkeys. Monkeys like bananas. The zoo is closed. My parents are in prison. I visit them often and out of spite for my lost childhood friends animals, I bring them bananas. The end.


Things That Are More Disturbing Than Irate Monkeys

1. My 85,000 year old neighbor asked me to "spend an evening" with him. I think that's what he said anyway. It was either that or he asked me if I grow beets. Either way, frightening. I think I said yes, too.


2. I'm starting to like the giant hole in my living room. I've taken to filling it with things. You know, like goldfish (both the kind that die swim and the kind that taste like a cheesy little piece of heaven), toothpaste (extra whitening so that when Pond Thing rises out of the depths of the hole to kill me I will be too blinded by his bright smile to feel any pain), socks, and two tubs of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. I don't think Pond Thing can believe it's not butter either.


3. I've think I've discovered a meteor that is heading straight for Earth. New Hampshire, specifically. Ok, not really. But I have discovered that while I used to like things, now I just like the idea of things. Take peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for example. Love the idea of them. Hate them. I would list more examples, but I only like the idea of examples and not actual examples. See?


4. Damnazon.com keeps e-mailing me to update my Wish List. This is how I know they are robots with a death wish. Unfortunately I looked and looked and could not find an item matching "Die, Amazon, Die!" to add to my Wish List, so all I ask is for the damn DVD I ordered 3 months ago! I know where you and your robot family live!


Monkey see, monkey do. I am going to Kalamazoo.