Whatever you do, do not, I repeat do not, go to the grocery store tonight. You will be trampled to death by people who accidentally ate their turkey last week/forgot the cranberry sauce/forgot it was Thanksgiving tomorrow/are just trying to get away from their in-laws for 5 minutes/will burst into tears when they realize the store is sold out of French fried onions, the necessary evil to the famous green bean casserole/will burst into flames when told to slowly back away from the yams (ok, maybe not that one, but wouldn't that be great?).
Just say no! No one really eats the cranberry sauce anyway!
1. Tylenol PM - If Tylenol PM was a man (or a girl with a nice ass, let's be honest) I would marry him (or her) in a big cathedral by a priest.
2. Vanilla Coke - The sweet, sweet taste of Vanilla Coke is the only thing that would make me brave the grocery store on Thanksgiving Eve, or any day for that matter.
3. Socks - But not just any socks. Monkey socks, Cat socks, Cabbage Patch Kid Socks, and First Kiss socks. Gone is the day of wearing socks just to keep your feet warm!
4. Conan O'Brien - If Conan just had the Tylenol PM effect he would be THE Ultimate Man. Our children would rule the earth with their big-headed humor!
5. Conjugal visits - If not for these I, I mean some of my closest friends, might not have been born.
And you know, the usual stuff like my health, my family, friends, the hole in my living room, the psycho that reads this and e-mails me to say not-so-nice things, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, my god given ability to lie with a straight face, Tidy Cats Crystals, all things that glow in the dark, needlepoint that tells it like it is (I'm thinking of making the third one into a Christmas card), Hooked On Phonics because I can now spell "ark", and pants, because no one ever thanks the pants, damn it.
Enjoy the tryptophan, and if Uncle Dick hits on you again you have my permission to kick him where it counts.
posted by a princess 9:56 PM
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