A, E, I, O, U, And Sometimes Why

How does that saying go, "Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no whys"? Ok, maybe not, but let's pretend it does, you know you want to.


1. Why does my car only make that noise when I am alone in it, and not when I bring it in to the mechanic, thus causing him to think I'm completely off my rocker and/or making a desperate plea for attention because I'm in love with him (one of these may be true, but that's besides the point)? Do cars have a sense of humor and if so is this my car's idea of a sick joke? I am so not amused, car.


2. Why do I feel really tired, but when I lie down am unable to sleep and instead lie there thinking about the number of people that have seen me naked accidentally (as opposed to on purpose) and what the name of that movie was with the cheerleaders who robbed the bank?


3. Why did the Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum of the maintenance world leave razor blades on my kitchen floor after the "Jackhammering Is Fun" episode, are they trying to kill me so that they never have to seal up the Hellmouth giant hole in my living room?


4. Why am I supposed to take it as a compliment when someone says I remind them of that girl from Swimfan, you know, the psychotic stalker ("You love me, I know it!") one?


5. Why hasn't someone taken a hit out on Kelly Ripa yet, and why wouldn't I be surprised if she became Amazon.com's spokeswoman next? Let's all join robot hands and skip off into the robot sunset after washing our robot hair with Pantene and buying things we'll never receive off of Amazon.com, shall we? Won't that make a great slogan? I should go into advertising, I'm telling you. Well, advertising or the murder for hire business.


6. Why did TNT play Along Came A Spider 567 times this weekend? Did Morgan Freeman die? Why do I always think someone has died? The more important question is why did I watch it all 567 times and each time wonder if it would end differently (it didn't)?


7. Why does my dad call me after I get home from visiting him and ask if I got home ok? If I didn't get home ok would I be answering my phone? Wouldn't I be lying in a ditch somewhere unable to come to the phone? I think I will change my answering machine to say that. "Sorry I can't come to the phone right now; I'm lying unconscious in a ditch off the side of the road. What road? Good question, too bad I'm unconscious and unable to help you out there. Maybe if you watch CSI you can get ideas on how to discover where I am, like maybe I left behind a fiber untraceable to the human eye that will point you in the right direction. I guess that means you need to not have a human eye to find me. Maybe you could ask Kelly Ripa or any other Amazon.com employee for assistance. Anyway, leave a message at the beep and if I don't die of exposure or I'm not eaten alive by various wilderbeasts I'll call you back. Beeeeeep."


8. Why do I think I saw a commercial, or maybe it was an infomercial, really what's the difference, at 3am last night for a CD made by that Bachelor Bob guy? I could be wrong because I've never actually seen the show, just the commercials (Why do I only watch commercials?) so maybe it was some other freaky looking Bob guy who can't sing. I hope I was dreaming, because if not we are all doomed! Plastic dogs and plastic bachelors releasing CDs? Run for your liiiiiiives (Or just walk if you have bad knees, but walk fast, they're gaining on you).


9. Why am I not interested in anything unless it's something I can't have and if it becomes gettable I don't want it anymore? For example ("par exemple" for those of you who are French, because I cater to all here), I would really like to have Michael Vartan as my love slave and a monkey (but not as a love slave, more like a laundry and foot rubbing slave), but if you were to say, give me one or both of those tomorrow (you're too kind!), I would no doubt lose interest. Is this some sort of psychotic disorder? Why do I think this all relates back to that summer I ate nothing but peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?


10. Why do I suspect 85,000 year old neighbor man of slipping a roofie into the bottled water he gave me yesterday when I saw him shuffling around outside muttering "no drinking water, no drinking water"? He already got me to agree to spend an evening with him by throwing me off with that "did he say spend an evening with me or do you grow beets?" thing, it's pretty clear I'm a sure thing, isn't it? No roofies necessary. That's what mom always said.


11. Why does "Y" not get the credit it deserves? Why is it "and sometimes Y"? If I was "Y" I would be pissed. I would probably have the other vowels assassinated and assume Head Vowel position. But that's just me, and I'm in love with my mechanic off my rocker, so you should take everything I say with a few thousand grains of salt and maybe a high blood pressure medication, and then call me in the morning.