The Almost Post

I went to the mall yesterday. I realize the mall to some people is a sacred, holy place for buying sacred, holy things such as shoes and prom dresses and guns, or whatever you wacky people are buying. I am not one of these people. Driving home from the mall I started to think about how I wish I could medicate people at my own discretion. I mean how wonderful would it be to run around with a bunch of anti-psychotic drugs to inject or pass out as I feel necessary? Then I thought about all the people I would medicate. Many, many people. Then I thought I could probably save on medication and just medicate myself so that I could better tolerate breathing the same air as all these people. Just a thought.


Now for Instances In Which ALMOST Doesn't Count.

Brought to you by the letter A and the number 69.
1. Sex - Did you have sex? "Almost". Perplexing? Yes, because what the hell does that mean? He either did or didn't have his boy parts in your girl parts. There's not really an in-between here. Or if there is, no one told me about it.

2. Peeing your pants - I almost pee my pants from laughter (I had to put that part in there lest you think I have a bladder problem) on a daily basis. But I don't. So I'm not really almost peeing my pants, am I? I am not peeing my pants. This is kind of confusing because you can pee "a little" in some circumstances. Again though, this is not full on peeing your pants. Just to clarify. Yeah, I'm stopping now.

3. Love - Almost Love exists, for sure. I've had Almost Love. It's detrimental to the well being of both (or all three if that's your thing) parties involved. If you think someone almost loves you and you're waiting for him/her to realize you hung the moon, run, do not walk to the nearest exit. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

4. Limb severing - It's this fear of mine to wake up in a hospital someday and have a surgeon say to me "Yeah, we almost severed your limbs". If you almost sever my limbs, I don't want to hear about it, thanks. I'm sure everyone has this fear though, right?


I would add more, but I'm almost asleep, and writing what I already have has made me almost start to bleed out of my eyes. Nighty night.