To Whom It May Concern,


I can not come out to play today. I am too busy snorting shampoo (Yeah, most people just wash their hair with it. Not me. I like to snort it. And by snort I mean not just smell, I mean consume nasally. Especially when I'm in a store and probably on camera and there are people around and they're all like 'what the hell is wrong with that girl')/trying to bring down Amazon.com/drinking mass quantities of Vanilla Coke/plotting and scheming to rule the world, or at least half of it/power washing my windows (ok I'm not really power washing my windows. I am closing them though so that the nice window power washing people don't power wash the inside of my house as well, does that count?)/asking my ouija board such life altering questions as "Is my next door neighbor a serial killer?" and "First they had tickle me Elmo, then Chicken Dance Elmo, then Limbo Elmo, now Hokey Pokey Elmo, when is Drunk One Night Stand Elmo coming out?"/dancing around to The White Stripes' "Hardest Button to Button" and Outkast's "Happy Valentine's Day" until my neighbors call the police (any minute now, did I mention I'm naked and on my front lawn?)/praying to GOD that I have the sense to not post this, but knowing even he can't help me now.

Don't call me, I'll call you (when my play clothes are clean and I'm ready to rumble).


Love, Me